down..down

Have been thinking a lot these days...but at times, thinking so much does not lead me to anywhere. Problems (or i would say obstacles) come one after another. It's as if they don't knock on the door and just barge in without giving any warnings.

I really hate times like these.

It makes me feel very fake about myself, very lousy of myself....as if i'm given a '-10 marks' stamp on my body. When i meet others, i have to put on a fake smile and potray that things are fine...fine enough to handle. But when i'm with myself, those things surge up again. Reality is back...It strikes hard. and in the midst of all these, I just could not find any visible being to talk to.

Most of the times, i break down and cry. It feels like nobody could understand what i'm going through. Many times, i want to find someone else to blame. But as i traced back to the source, i had to blame no one but myself. However, when i blame myself, I tend to dwell in self pity. And that's a bad sign. very bad............

How i wish God could talk to me in an audible voice and just chat with me like a friend. I wished He could sit on my bed, cross His legs and hug His pillow while i hug mine......and just CHAT! chat about anything...ANYTHING....

I hope God will read my blog post